It's the reason...for my pain

Often times, when I get discouraged about my writing for one reason or another, I wonder if I really am a writer. I wonder if that's what God really intends for me to do. So I think of all the things that I can't do and see what's left. I can't sing, despite how hard I try. I can't play any instruments, and I don't have much desire to learn. I think I could be an okay drummer. I'm fairly athletic, or rather I have the potential to be. I surprise people with my speed and strength. But not so much that I could make a career of it. I don't have a drive for money or possessions, so I would not make a very good businessman. I'm a quiet person, and shy most of the time. I don't like dealing with people very much. I don't have an eloquent voice. I could almost be a preacher if I had a better speaking voice. I'm not a leader. I serve better as an advisor the person in charge. I prefer to be alone most of the time. I do get lonely, but once I've been around other people for a while, it's time to slip away to someplace quiet. As I've said before, I'm a deep thinker. I'm very conscious of other people. I'm always wondering what others might be thinking or feeling. Or what would they think and feel if I said a particular thing or did a particular thing. I think this adds to my shyness. I don't want to even begin to think that I've done or said something that could cause someone else pain. I like to make people happy, if I can. My happiness comes from other people's happiness. I hate to be a burden on anyone else. I think I'm getting off subject just a little. Sorry. When I think about what I am best at and what brings me joy and what I think about most of the time, it all points back to writing. Whether I am actually any good at it or not, it's what I want to do most in life. And because of my shyness, it's the best way for me to spread God's word. I'm not shy on the page (or the screen). This is where I can be bold. I'm getting better at talking to others about Christ. I've been down the path of sin and I can see the destruction it leads to. I hate that I had to go through it all, but it helps me relate to those who are on that same doomed path. It's made me a stronger Christian. And it's helped me to see the difference between a true Christian and those who just play church. It was horrible. It is horrible. But without it, I wouldn't be the same person I am today. I think of all the trials and pains, self-inflicted or otherwise, that I've been through, and I know that it had to be so to make me who I am. But in the midst of it, standing in the hottest part of the flame, you can't imagine why God would let these things happen to you. You can't imagine why God would let you do these things to yourself. But life is a great exercise in patience. You get through the bad things and come out stronger on the other side. Time heals everything. There will still be a scar, but the bleeding eventually stops. I think of all the story ideas I've slowly accumulated in my binder. I've probably got a hundred or so still lying around on scraps of paper that I haven't put in my binder yet. But I know if my life hadn't been what it has been, if everything had gone according to plan, 90% of those ideas wouldn't be there. Most of the stories I've written wouldn't be there. I probably wouldn't be a writer. At least not the kind of writer that I've become. I would probably write bland suspense thrillers about celebrities and high society. I wouldn't know to delve deeper into the human psyche because I never would have experienced these hardships and had these pains to express. The bulk of my writing centers around those things. I may be writing a story about time-travel or alien invasions, but they're really about life and relationships and God's master plan. As I've said before, I won't write a story unless I can reveal something about God through it. I don't preach a sermon, but there is some bit of God's truth revealed in the resolution of the story. So everything about me, the way I think and live and the experiences of my past, present, and future, all revolve around spreading God's word through my writing. So anytime I get down on myself, I just have to think about these things and it all becomes clear again. My uncle once told me that if you love your job, you'll never work a day in your life. Usually when I write, I have a grand time. It's when I let the things of this world bog me down that my writing becomes slow and difficult and begins to feel like real work. And it helps to get plenty of sleep, too, so I better hit the sack.