Beautiful when she cries

You know, every once in a while, when you're starting to feel good about things again, you get brought low. Nothing happened. Nobody did or said anything to me. I was just sitting there thinking about the few meager things that seemed to be going pretty well in my life, when I realized how foolish everything seemed. It's like things become important for one reason or another, and you think about them, perhaps dwell on them. And then you're like, "Oh, wait. That's stupid." Oh, well. New things will become important again. So long as the main things stay important, my Christian walk and my writing, life can go on.

I read chapter 2 of Romans today. Wow, two days, two chapters. I used to do that. Just one chapter a day. I would sit down, and it would be like, "Okay, let's get this over with." And I'd read my one chapter real quick. I didn't take the time to dwell on what I had read or even pray about it. It was better than nothing, I suppose, but I wasn't growing very much spiritually. I think I was actually regressing. Then there were times when I wasn't reading my bible at all, but I was doing more thinking and pondering on the things of God and what Jesus did for us and growing spiritually a little more. It took a while, but I've finally managed to put the two together. So much that my life is nearly consumed by it. And that's really awesome. I finally feel like I'm slowly becoming the person God wants me to be. I'm not there yet. I may never actually get there until I die and cross the threshold of the pearly gates, but I think the striving to become is what God really wants.

No writing, I repeat, because it is Sunday. Last night I wrote about a paragraph. Five or six lines. I wouldn't have written anything, but I had already turned my other computer on, so I had to write something. I felt really bad yesterday. I don't feel so great today, but at least I feel manageable. Yesterday was just horrible. Bad day at work on top of how I felt. I think it's because I didn't eat enough yesterday. A few cups of coffee and a PayDay candybar is all that had made it into my stomach until 9 o'clock. I need to get on a real diet. Not this not eating very much diet. I find myself hungry and tired all the time. I have a friend encouraging me to do weight watchers. I tried Atkins once before and it made me feel all weird after a while. The South Beach diet seems too expensive, and I don't want to have to buy another book. I can get all the info for weight watchers for free. So maybe that's what I'll do. I think I'm chemically imbalanced inside or something. Things aren't clicking. And no, I don't mean a mental problem...I don't think. Just this feeling bad all the time. I take medicine for my thyroid. Something's wrong with my thyroid, just not sure what. It either produces too much or too little of something. It's a low dosage, though. I think the doctor needs to up it, if I ever make it back for more bloodwork. I just can't afford anything. Well, that's not true. Yeah, it is. It should be true, anyways. My parents would gladly pick up the tab if it meant making their baby boy feel better. I just won't tell them about the cd's and books and junk food that I buy...on rare occasion...um...Wait, they already know. They see the credit card bill. Anyways. I must be boring you to death. I'll send flowers to your funeral.

I guess I should pray about all these things I babble on about. I usually wait until I'm about to go to sleep to pray, which means I get halfway through the prayer before I fall asleep. Well, I say little prayers throughout the day, especially if I'm being tempted by evil or just having an all around humdinger like Saturday. But I have this concept in my mind that I must have this one big get together with God each day to lay it all out in the open. It's not a bad idea, really, but I understand that just before I go to sleep isn't the best time to do it. I try to keep a prayerful mind throughout the day, however, and I know God knows my every thought. So it's not like we don't keep in touch.

Later, Dude(tte)